Friday, December 30, 2011

A New Year

We end this year the same way it began, with hopes of starting a family but no guarantee that it will happen anytime soon. My heart is heavy. Its safe to say I see the glass as half empty right now. I continue to try to cling to the part of me that knows I WILL become a mother, someday, somehow. It isn't always enough though, on the hard days. I haven't cried yet, since the news of entering the new year without a bun already in the oven. But I think I need to let it out before Sunday... so I can attempt to enter the New Year with a bit of new hope.

We came a long ways in 2011.
My husband got a job he isn't miserable at.
I got a job I am unbelievably happy at.
We traded in one vehicle for another, saving a good amount of money monthly.
We paid off my car, saving a lot more money each month!
We moved out of my Mom's and into our first "home"; though a rental, it's still our space and we are very thankful for this sweet little home right next to the farm.
We got a cat... who brings a LOT of entertainment. Along with other emotions! Little devil that he is!

I'd say that's a pretty good year and a lot to be thankful for!

Here's to hoping 2012 brings even more blessings!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Let me remember

When I hear people complain about being annoyed with and tired of their children, it truly breaks my heart. What I wouldn't give to have an 8 yr old with an attitude the size of Texas. Or a toddler who won't stop getting into everything. Or to hear little people call my name all day long.

I pray that God gives me the chance to have a child so I can be tested in remembering these little lessons. I truly long to not complain when I am pregnant and uncomfortable, or to fuss all the time about my child driving me insane. I hope I remember then, the pain those complaints bring to people longing to have a child.

And if I don't... will you please give me a little slap across the face to remind me?

Every good and perfect gift comes from above... James 1:17
(A passage that has been etched into my heart and soul for a long long time. He etched this into me all those years ago for a reason.)

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Dear God

Dear God,


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If I were to write a letter to God at this point in my life, that's where it would start and stop. It's been 2 1/2 years since we decided to try to start a family. I held fast to my faith for the first year. I believed it would happen. I thanked him for the miracle we would have. I lived in the "ask and you shall receive" motto. In the 2nd year it all started slipping further and further away. The one disagreement my husband and I have regarding infertility, is always over what this battle has done to my relationship with God. It's ugly. But it's honest. And it scares my better half quite a bit.

While I am well aware of the fact that I have let infertility basically destroy my faith, I also stick to this one reasoning when we have that argument: God knows my heart. He knows the pain and anger that is in there right now. So rather I say it out loud or not, he still knows. It's me saying it out loud that worries my husband.

Another pregnancy announcement today, just after another birth announcement last night. To say my heart is fragile tonight would be a huge understatement. The pain I feel is like nothing I ever imagined possible. I just wanna scream "Why me? Why my husband? Why us? Why this trial? Why the one dream I have had since I was a small child? What did we do to deserve this?"

I can't even go to church anymore. It's too painful in a thousand different ways. So now infertility has taken my faith, my relationship with my Father, my church family, my friends, my happiness, my hope.

So many women have gone through this for YEARS. As I near the 3 year mark, I don't know how they find the strength to keep fighting for so long. I am almost done. I can't take the hormones and the pain of this roller coaster ride much longer. I just don't have the fight left in me. If God won't give us a baby, then I really need to live on an island with all married but no children couples. One more pregnancy announcement just might truly send me over the edge... the edge I have right on the verge of falling over for months.

Please God, hear the cries of our hearts.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Bitter without the sweet

I have a bitter heart. Envy, it thrives inside of me now. It hasn't always been this way. I am actually pretty sure I didn't start feeling true envy until this battle against infertility began.

Example A: Michelle Duggar. Do I need to say more? I mean come on. Here we infertile's are pleading with God just for one shot at being a mother. And yet that woman just doesn't stop. It's not for me to judge. I know. But it doesn't make sense to those of us going through this.

I keep typing sentences of deep dark confessions. Then I quickly delete and try again. I can't say these thoughts aloud. I could probably be committed if I did. :) In all seriousness though, some of these thoughts I've confessed to my husband have truly scared/worried/concerned him. The few I have confessed to women who have been down this road though, they get it. They were there too. Those women are vital to me in this stage of life.

It's a very cold place inside this heart and soul now. And I want to go back to the other me. The me that was before this lifelong dream came crashing down. I want to be on the other side of this mountain. I want to climb out of this valley.

I jut can't see the way from where I stand today.

But I will one day! I will be a mother someday! I will not quit this fight! Infertility may define me for this moment in time, but it will not defeat me!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday

2 for 1: My families farm & my view of this farm from our rental house.

Country girl inside and out. Wouldn't want it any other way personally.

Monday, October 31, 2011

An Update

Here is an update to yesterday's post.

We have now switched doctor's. Done a total of 3 IUI's. I have been on varying doses of Clomid and done the Ovidrel shot. (Hello hot flashes!!! Goodbye memory!) My new doctor and new doses made improvements. Those facts along with some more personal facts, made us very hopeful on our last IUI cycle. However, it too ended in tears. We will continue on, for maybe a few more cycles, toying with hormone medications (Hello even worse hot flashes!!! Goodbye sanity! Goodbye reasoning! Memory... what memory?! Forget about it!)

All my life I dreamed of two things: marrying my prince charming & having little tots of my own. Thankfully I found Prince Charming and I wouldn't trade him for the world! His humor and his patience and his love are crucial to me these days. He is above and beyond what I ever dreamed. Sadly, giving him a child has become our battle. It's the worst pain I have ever experienced. It's truly turned my life into a roller coaster... an old wooden one that bangs and clangs and throws your neck out and makes you get off wondering why in the world you ever got on!

It's changed me and my life significantly. It's truly stolen a lot from me. The truths inside my head and heart are dark and scary and ugly. Truths I can't bear to tell most people. It has brought about changes that make things ten times harder. I'd give anything for this fight to be over... for my prince and I to stand on the other side of this battlefield and wave our victory flag. There are days when it hurts so bad that I truly do think I want to surrender. Saturday was one of them. Then I spent some time with my nephew and got a little more fight back in me. Cause I want my own toddler to spoil so badly!

It's cold and dark and very lonely. He and I are walking through this storm alone. We have clung tighter to each other, and for this I am thankful. We have lost more and more people around us though. Pray for us if you will. We need it more than people realize.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Breaking the silence

*On April 25th, I took a huge step for myself and posted the following on Facebook. Five months later, I am still glad I did, but haven't gotten from it what I had hoped. But here is the post from that day, and I will soon follow up with an update of the 5 months since.*

My broken heart can’t keep this inside any longer. Please, I beg of you to read this all the way through before you give any comment. We are fragile right now, and we don’t want to be broken more by people’s careless words.

We have been trying to start a family for a couple of years now. With each month that has passed, our hearts have hurt more and more and the secrets have become harder and harder. Infertility isn’t something you expect, especially as a woman. We grow up dreaming of being a mommy. We just assume it is a natural way of life and therefore will just come easy. Wrong!

For the first year to year and a half, we just kept thinking any time it would happen. But as we passed through that first year, each month started to feel like a year, yet it all was going by way too fast at the same time. Nephews turned one. Friends had babies. Nephews turned two. People who had no kids when we married, now have two kids while we still have none. It’s extremely hard to watch.

And oh, by the way, there were reasons we haven’t told but a handful of people.

1)We were still longing for the complete excitement and surprise in announcing a pregnancy. That simple blessing of surprise that has been taken from us.

2)We don’t want the unwanted advice. It doesn’t matter if you think its good advice. It probably will suck to us. It will probably make us mad or feel more hurt or broken. There really isn’t good advice to give people dealing with infertility unless you have TRULY experienced it yourself. Only then do you learn things to say and things to definitely not say.

3)We don’t want your judgments. This decision is ours, and God’s, and not a single other person’s. It’s not for you to say if we should or shouldn’t want or have kids right now. It’s not for you to say if we can afford to. It’s just none of your business. We didn’t or won’t tell you when you should start a family, so don’t do it to us.

4)It makes me feel broken/ashamed/unworthy. Talking about it is hard. Thinking about it is hard enough.

Now, where was I? I sought help for this about a year and half into it. Since my first doctor’s appointment about it, we have both had every test and all have come back fine. So our label is unexplained infertility. We put off medicated cycles and assisted cycles for quite a while. We were still convinced it would happen anytime on our own. And, on our own sounded so much better than the other choices. Then my faith started running lower and lower.

In March we took the leap. We had the money put aside and the courage to step forward into medicated cycle with IUI (intrauterine insemination). On March 24th, we went in thinking that day would be THE day. On April 7th, we knew that even this medicated IUI cycle had failed also. Now, my faith is next to nonexistent. My optimism… it’s long gone. We have not given up complete hope yet. But each day is a tremendous battle for me right now. And hiding the pain, plastering on a fake smile, and going along as though everything is fine just isn’t working for me anymore. I don’t want to lie about where we are anymore, when we have appointments with the specialists. I don’t want to pretend my stress/pain is because of something it’s not any longer.

I want to be out of the infertility closet.

I remember last year’s National Infertility Awareness Week. I remember not having the courage then. I remember still having hope that I would be pregnant or have a child at this time a year later. But here we are. Still childless. Sharing this is more for us than anything. It’s to lift the burden of secrecy, because the burden of infertility itself is heavy enough. Less is more, when in regards to burden. I am not sharing this for sympathy or advice. The only thing we ask of anyone, is to pray for us. And if you have questions, you can ask. But please be mindful of how fragile I am right now. Be careful of the words you chose to say. Remember what your mother always said: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

And to those precious few who have been cheering us on from the sidelines while we gained the courage to share with all: thank you! Thank you for respecting our wish for privacy about it. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being our cheering section. And above all, thank you for the love and prayers. You have been the rainbow through this storm.