Thoughts from "Cece"

Lessons Learned

2012-02-07T19:41:00.003-05:00

Lessons learned from Infertility:

1) It does not get easier with time. ~ This goes for infertility as a whole, and for all the hormone medications/injections. It does not get easier to give myself daily injections. It does not get easier to see other people getting the one thing we so desperately want. Time doesn't heal all wounds.

2) You have to remind yourself of the things you do have... of the blessings you have received. ~ It's easy to get consumed by the negative emotions this brings. It's a constant battle to remind myself how much I do have and how much worse things could be.

3) My nieces and nephews can't fill this void. Sometimes spending time with them helps. Sometimes it makes it a lot worse. The ugly reality is that no matter how great the time spent with them is, they will never be my own... they will never fill the void in our hearts. I have been thankful beyond words for being a young Aunt. I absolutely love that I had over a decade to truly just be the best Aunt I can, without my own children as more important. Once you have your own, being an Aunt takes a backseat. Sometimes it seems it actually gets totally booted from the ride altogether. I have loved every moment as an Aunt to my small boatload of nieces and nephews and I will never stop being grateful I had these years to do it.

4) I want to type very personal things about the actual appointments, but that would be very inappropriate. Can I just tell you my favorite line so far? My doctor actually used the words "manipulate your uterus" in a conversation we had. It is kinda funny to hear.

5) Tears work wonders on the receptionist/check in people. Every other approach gets me nothing but nasty comments and/or looks. Tears however, got me called back instantly. I haven't tried crying for a speeding ticket yet... but if it worked this well at the doctors office I think I'll have to give it a try with the cops too.

Faith

2012-01-11T17:11:00.002-05:00

I didn't cry when our last medicated/artificial cycle failed. It was the first time in well over a year that I didn't have a complete breakdown right then and there. A few days later it did hit me, when another trigger hit me and I just caved. But I am still proud of the better attitude I kept. There's that part of me that was so hidden that is finally peeking back through. Thanks to a dear friend and the words Our Father spoke to her for me... I have been reminded that God did NOT give me this desire for nothing. I WILL be a mother someday, somehow. I will. I believe in this. I just have to remind myself of it, often. I need to eat, sleep, and breath this statement.

Faith doesn't always come easy. We have to work at it. But like many things in life, the best things don't come easy.

A New Year

2011-12-30T10:55:00.002-05:00

We end this year the same way it began, with hopes of starting a family but no guarantee that it will happen anytime soon. My heart is heavy. Its safe to say I see the glass as half empty right now. I continue to try to cling to the part of me that knows I WILL become a mother, someday, somehow. It isn't always enough though, on the hard days. I haven't cried yet, since the news of entering the new year without a bun already in the oven. But I think I need to let it out before Sunday... so I can attempt to enter the New Year with a bit of new hope.

We came a long ways in 2011.
My husband got a job he isn't miserable at.
I got a job I am unbelievably happy at.
We traded in one vehicle for another, saving a good amount of money monthly.
We paid off my car, saving a lot more money each month!
We moved out of my Mom's and into our first "home"; though a rental, it's still our space and we are very thankful for this sweet little home right next to the farm.
We got a cat... who brings a LOT of entertainment. Along with other emotions! Little devil that he is!

I'd say that's a pretty good year and a lot to be thankful for!

Here's to hoping 2012 brings even more blessings!

Let me remember

2011-12-13T18:42:00.003-05:00

When I hear people complain about being annoyed with and tired of their children, it truly breaks my heart. What I wouldn't give to have an 8 yr old with an attitude the size of Texas. Or a toddler who won't stop getting into everything. Or to hear little people call my name all day long.

I pray that God gives me the chance to have a child so I can be tested in remembering these little lessons. I truly long to not complain when I am pregnant and uncomfortable, or to fuss all the time about my child driving me insane. I hope I remember then, the pain those complaints bring to people longing to have a child.

And if I don't... will you please give me a little slap across the face to remind me?

Every good and perfect gift comes from above... James 1:17
(A passage that has been etched into my heart and soul for a long long time. He etched this into me all those years ago for a reason.)

Dear God

2011-11-17T18:56:00.003-05:00

Dear God,

Why?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If I were to write a letter to God at this point in my life, that's where it would start and stop. It's been 2 1/2 years since we decided to try to start a family. I held fast to my faith for the first year. I believed it would happen. I thanked him for the miracle we would have. I lived in the "ask and you shall receive" motto. In the 2nd year it all started slipping further and further away. The one disagreement my husband and I have regarding infertility, is always over what this battle has done to my relationship with God. It's ugly. But it's honest. And it scares my better half quite a bit.

While I am well aware of the fact that I have let infertility basically destroy my faith, I also stick to this one reasoning when we have that argument: God knows my heart. He knows the pain and anger that is in there right now. So rather I say it out loud or not, he still knows. It's me saying it out loud that worries my husband.

Another pregnancy announcement today, just after another birth announcement last night. To say my heart is fragile tonight would be a huge understatement. The pain I feel is like nothing I ever imagined possible. I just wanna scream "Why me? Why my husband? Why us? Why this trial? Why the one dream I have had since I was a small child? What did we do to deserve this?"

I can't even go to church anymore. It's too painful in a thousand different ways. So now infertility has taken my faith, my relationship with my Father, my church family, my friends, my happiness, my hope.

So many women have gone through this for YEARS. As I near the 3 year mark, I don't know how they find the strength to keep fighting for so long. I am almost done. I can't take the hormones and the pain of this roller coaster ride much longer. I just don't have the fight left in me. If God won't give us a baby, then I really need to live on an island with all married but no children couples. One more pregnancy announcement just might truly send me over the edge... the edge I have right on the verge of falling over for months.

Please God, hear the cries of our hearts.

Bitter without the sweet

2011-11-09T21:52:00.002-05:00

I have a bitter heart. Envy, it thrives inside of me now. It hasn't always been this way. I am actually pretty sure I didn't start feeling true envy until this battle against infertility began.

Example A: Michelle Duggar. Do I need to say more? I mean come on. Here we infertile's are pleading with God just for one shot at being a mother. And yet that woman just doesn't stop. It's not for me to judge. I know. But it doesn't make sense to those of us going through this.

I keep typing sentences of deep dark confessions. Then I quickly delete and try again. I can't say these thoughts aloud. I could probably be committed if I did. :) In all seriousness though, some of these thoughts I've confessed to my husband have truly scared/worried/concerned him. The few I have confessed to women who have been down this road though, they get it. They were there too. Those women are vital to me in this stage of life.

It's a very cold place inside this heart and soul now. And I want to go back to the other me. The me that was before this lifelong dream came crashing down. I want to be on the other side of this mountain. I want to climb out of this valley.

I jut can't see the way from where I stand today.

But I will one day! I will be a mother someday! I will not quit this fight! Infertility may define me for this moment in time, but it will not defeat me!

Thankful Thursday

2011-11-03T19:58:00.003-04:00

Thankful Thursday

2 for 1: My families farm & my view of this farm from our rental house.

Country girl inside and out. Wouldn't want it any other way personally.

An Update

2011-10-31T19:42:00.002-04:00

Here is an update to yesterday's post.

We have now switched doctor's. Done a total of 3 IUI's. I have been on varying doses of Clomid and done the Ovidrel shot. (Hello hot flashes!!! Goodbye memory!) My new doctor and new doses made improvements. Those facts along with some more personal facts, made us very hopeful on our last IUI cycle. However, it too ended in tears. We will continue on, for maybe a few more cycles, toying with hormone medications (Hello even worse hot flashes!!! Goodbye sanity! Goodbye reasoning! Memory... what memory?! Forget about it!)

All my life I dreamed of two things: marrying my prince charming & having little tots of my own. Thankfully I found Prince Charming and I wouldn't trade him for the world! His humor and his patience and his love are crucial to me these days. He is above and beyond what I ever dreamed. Sadly, giving him a child has become our battle. It's the worst pain I have ever experienced. It's truly turned my life into a roller coaster... an old wooden one that bangs and clangs and throws your neck out and makes you get off wondering why in the world you ever got on!

It's changed me and my life significantly. It's truly stolen a lot from me. The truths inside my head and heart are dark and scary and ugly. Truths I can't bear to tell most people. It has brought about changes that make things ten times harder. I'd give anything for this fight to be over... for my prince and I to stand on the other side of this battlefield and wave our victory flag. There are days when it hurts so bad that I truly do think I want to surrender. Saturday was one of them. Then I spent some time with my nephew and got a little more fight back in me. Cause I want my own toddler to spoil so badly!

It's cold and dark and very lonely. He and I are walking through this storm alone. We have clung tighter to each other, and for this I am thankful. We have lost more and more people around us though. Pray for us if you will. We need it more than people realize.

Breaking the silence

2011-10-30T20:30:00.002-04:00

*On April 25th, I took a huge step for myself and posted the following on Facebook. Five months later, I am still glad I did, but haven't gotten from it what I had hoped. But here is the post from that day, and I will soon follow up with an update of the 5 months since.*

My broken heart can’t keep this inside any longer. Please, I beg of you to read this all the way through before you give any comment. We are fragile right now, and we don’t want to be broken more by people’s careless words.

We have been trying to start a family for a couple of years now. With each month that has passed, our hearts have hurt more and more and the secrets have become harder and harder. Infertility isn’t something you expect, especially as a woman. We grow up dreaming of being a mommy. We just assume it is a natural way of life and therefore will just come easy. Wrong!

For the first year to year and a half, we just kept thinking any time it would happen. But as we passed through that first year, each month started to feel like a year, yet it all was going by way too fast at the same time. Nephews turned one. Friends had babies. Nephews turned two. People who had no kids when we married, now have two kids while we still have none. It’s extremely hard to watch.

And oh, by the way, there were reasons we haven’t told but a handful of people.

1)We were still longing for the complete excitement and surprise in announcing a pregnancy. That simple blessing of surprise that has been taken from us.

2)We don’t want the unwanted advice. It doesn’t matter if you think its good advice. It probably will suck to us. It will probably make us mad or feel more hurt or broken. There really isn’t good advice to give people dealing with infertility unless you have TRULY experienced it yourself. Only then do you learn things to say and things to definitely not say.

3)We don’t want your judgments. This decision is ours, and God’s, and not a single other person’s. It’s not for you to say if we should or shouldn’t want or have kids right now. It’s not for you to say if we can afford to. It’s just none of your business. We didn’t or won’t tell you when you should start a family, so don’t do it to us.

4)It makes me feel broken/ashamed/unworthy. Talking about it is hard. Thinking about it is hard enough.

Now, where was I? I sought help for this about a year and half into it. Since my first doctor’s appointment about it, we have both had every test and all have come back fine. So our label is unexplained infertility. We put off medicated cycles and assisted cycles for quite a while. We were still convinced it would happen anytime on our own. And, on our own sounded so much better than the other choices. Then my faith started running lower and lower.

In March we took the leap. We had the money put aside and the courage to step forward into medicated cycle with IUI (intrauterine insemination). On March 24th, we went in thinking that day would be THE day. On April 7th, we knew that even this medicated IUI cycle had failed also. Now, my faith is next to nonexistent. My optimism… it’s long gone. We have not given up complete hope yet. But each day is a tremendous battle for me right now. And hiding the pain, plastering on a fake smile, and going along as though everything is fine just isn’t working for me anymore. I don’t want to lie about where we are anymore, when we have appointments with the specialists. I don’t want to pretend my stress/pain is because of something it’s not any longer.

I want to be out of the infertility closet.

I remember last year’s National Infertility Awareness Week. I remember not having the courage then. I remember still having hope that I would be pregnant or have a child at this time a year later. But here we are. Still childless. Sharing this is more for us than anything. It’s to lift the burden of secrecy, because the burden of infertility itself is heavy enough. Less is more, when in regards to burden. I am not sharing this for sympathy or advice. The only thing we ask of anyone, is to pray for us. And if you have questions, you can ask. But please be mindful of how fragile I am right now. Be careful of the words you chose to say. Remember what your mother always said: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

And to those precious few who have been cheering us on from the sidelines while we gained the courage to share with all: thank you! Thank you for respecting our wish for privacy about it. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being our cheering section. And above all, thank you for the love and prayers. You have been the rainbow through this storm.

Much to be thankful for

2010-11-25T13:38:00.007-05:00

Thanksgiving 2010

Often, I get very tied up in my needs and wants and hurts. Each day I try to take time to thank God for the blessings. Often times, thanking Him for my blessings makes the pains and struggles seem easier.

Thanksgiving is a day to remind us what life is all about.

It's the little things that make the day special sometimes too.

Sleeping in. Not working. Watching the parade all snuggled up together. Browsing through Black Friday ad's. A nice Brunch always with the intention of holding us 'til dinner. A brunch that never does so though. Calling loved ones we can't be with. Wishing those dear friends and family that we can't hug, a very blessed day. Baking. Cooking. Time with loved ones that are near. Lots of laughter. Even more food. Dessert. Oh, be still my heart!

Today, I want to note the things that I am especially thankful for.

God: For life in and of itself.
No other blessings would be if not for He.

My husband: without whom I can't think of what life would be.
He is my heart & soul.

My family, especially my nieces & nephews (and cousins).

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

Thank You Very Much!

2009-12-17T18:03:00.004-05:00

For a little taste of blog therapy, I am participating in KMama's "Thank You Very Much". Hop over to her site for some more ventings.

~ To my sweet (almost one-year-old) nephew whose pitiful fit's when not held have left me with a bad case of hip bursitis and both hands suffering from Carpel Tunnel... thank YOU very much! (And rest assured I will remind you of this a LOT when you get bigger... of how I was such a great Aunt to endure pain just to please your sweet face. )

~ To my husbands work, for telling us in October he could not have off for a trip to GA at Christmas to see his family... and then telling us THIS WEEK that he can... sending me into a panic, thank you very much!

~ To my various pains (what with this hip bursitis, carpel tunnel and some Fibromyalgia thrown into the mix) that are making sleep next to impossible and leaving me more irritable and moody than usual, thank you very much!

I feel better now! :o)

All for the love of...

2009-12-09T14:43:00.003-05:00

... technology!!!!!!!!

I wanna win! I wanna win! I wanna win!!!!!!!!!!!

One of my favorite bloggers is hosting a fantastic giveaway. I have a shot (though slim, a shot is a shot) at winning a new HP TouchSmart computer. All's I have to do is remember how to make a word into a link. So let's just test my memory, shall we?

MckMama Rules

Hope on over to the site and check out the new computer I am trying to win. But please, don't enter yourself! Cause then my chances are lowered. *ahem*

:)

P.s. MckMama, I deserve to win this. As my reward for just today completing my very last assignments in my very last college course. ;)

Thank you very much!

2009-11-05T09:37:00.002-05:00

I am joining in with Kmaman this morning for the stress relieving series, Thank you very much!

To my dearest 10 month old nephew who has just this week decided that a 30 minute nap in the morning is enough for him... thus leaving me worn out quicker... thank you very much!

To my oldest nephew for realizing teenagers have the answer to everything, and need not obey authority... you will realize soon enough that the rules we adults make are actually for your own good most of the time. And you will look back and realize you should've been a little less bossy... thank you very much!

To the swine flu, for sending my paranoia to a whole new level and causing me to check my temperature everytime a new "cold" symptom arrives... thank you very much!

To my husband's employer for not providing us with the insurance information in SEPTEMBER and causing us to be in a last minute unexpected frenzy of stress searching high and low for the best policy, just in time for the holiday season, thank you very much!

And to my self, that fell way too hard way too fast and lost focus on everything else in life but love, thus failing Spanish and wrecking my entire following 5 year plan... thank you very much!

"I Do"

2009-09-24T14:58:00.003-04:00

Marriage.

Wasn't this once upon a time, a commitment that people made with lifelong intentions? And surely it wasn't that they expected a perfect lifelong marriage. They knew troubles were bound to be waiting around the bin. But marriage is a solemn vow. It's a promise we make before God, and before all the most important people in our lives. It's a promise so sacred that hundreds, sometimes thousands, of dollars are poured into making the day incredibly special and memorable.

Before my husband and I got married in August 2008, we had already discussed many many times how important the vows we would say were to us. We truly took on the "Divorce is NOT an option" attitude. We talked about the pain divorce brings and how we both felt it was taking the easy way out when things get rough. God is at the center of our marriage. We made a sacred promise before him, to have and to hold one another until the day that God calls us home to be with him. We can think of no circumstance under which a divorce would be justified through God's eyes. Okay, maybe "no circumstances" is too strong. Sure, I can imagine a few situations under which it might have to become an option. In my mind, God wouldn't want one to remain in a marriage with serious abuse (rather to a spouse or to our child/ren). And God does not accept murder, so I suppose if one of us became a murderer we may have to rethink it all.

But the truth is, most marriages ending in divorce are not ending over serious things like that. It is said that most marriages end in difficulties over finances. Debt, disagreements about debt... that's not a reason to divorce. It's a reason to drop to your knees and seek God's guidance. It's a reason to seek financial help. It's a reason to seek counseling, so you can work through the issues. Divorce will not help finances. It will worsen them.

All around me people are separating and getting divorced. Children are paying the price for their parents not-so-wise decisions. And I just can't help but wonder, what were these people thinking when they said "I do"?

I thank God every day for my husband. I pray all the time to become a better wife. I struggle hourly to be the wife I know I can be... the wife that bites her tongue and thinks before she ~~screams~~ speaks. It's not always easy, but I made a vow and I have no intentions to break a promise I made before God, my husband and all the important people in our lives. God never said life would be easy. He just said it would go on. And he is there always waiting to carry me through the times I feel I just can't go on.

Letters of Intent

2009-09-18T13:18:00.004-04:00

I am participating in Foursons new Friday tradition of "Letters of Intent". Such a fun idea. What's better than a fun way to vent? :-) ~ Happy Friday!

Dear Sony Laptop:

You are my best friend. I depend on you for daily living. A day without you is hard to survive. You hold my life: my photos, my school work, my emails, my facebook/myspace/twitter/blogspot (which are my very connection to so much of the world). Without you, I would not know what the girl I graduated with years ago but have not spoken to, is doing right this moment, Without you, I would not know that I forgot yesterday was Thankful Thursday. Without you, I could not have just completed all my school work for this week in my online class.

My dependency upon you means I have a huge amount of thankfulness for you and all you do for me. This appreciation means nothing to you. You repay me by shutting off at the very moment I have 5 screens up as I multitask my way through another day. When you do start back up, you take your time. You go slower than the snail out on my front porch. You find it humorous to prevent sounds from working right as a stumble upon my exercises for class that require hearing audio pieces to answer questions.

You take advantage of my love. You are so certain I would never give you up, that you test me daily.

Rest assured treasured friend, in the near future I will have the financial ability to replace you. I will desert you for a newer, younger, fancier model. You will be shut off for good! And then my friend, you will see how it feels to be let down.

Sincerely,
just-another-fed-up-user

P.s. I still appreciate that you continued to work after the day I tragically dropped you, leading to this life of duct tape. However, you could at least try to not break through the duct tape as soon as I rewrap you with fresh bandages.

Remembering 9/11/01 -- God Bless America

2009-09-11T09:38:00.003-04:00

With a sad heart, I stop today to look back to that tragic day and recall all the lives that were lost.

I pray strength, courage, peace and comfort for those who lost loved ones on 9/11 and for those who lost loved ones on the days to follow by stepping in to search for people in the mess left behind and those brave enough that have stepped out into war for us. God bless each and every one of these people! May we never ever forget.

Random Photo Friday

2009-06-12T20:02:00.002-04:00

Random Photo Friday

Yup... that's some people sitting in the boat... on land... not in the water.

And yup... I will admit that those people are my relatives. :-)

Does look like most people's Easter get together? 'Cause this is what ours can look like if the mood strikes.

Doesn't get much more random than this one! Gotta love the country life!

Prayers greatly appreciated

2009-06-12T07:13:00.003-04:00

This sweet 3 yr old (Seth) who is a big part of my life, and heart, is in the hospital.

His appendix has perforated but they can not do surgery because he has such a bad infection all around it.

So for five days he will be in the hospital on IV antibiotics. Then home on regular antibiotics for 21 days. Then in 8 weeks surgery.

Pray for him. For courage to be strong through it all. For his heart to still have joy. For God's hand to protect him and not let his appendix burst. For the infection to clear so he can have surgery.

God had his hands around this boy! His appendix very very likely perforated over a month ago. It's likely that the infection was even the reason it has not bursts. (The infection is wrapped all around it, working as a sort of blanket around the appendix likely preventing it from bursting.)

Thank you Lord for his life, your protection upon him all this time and for the other miraculous ways you intervened in this situation!!

Thankful Thursday

2009-06-10T20:13:00.006-04:00

This Thursday, I am both thankful and grateful, for this sweet nephew.

Heart of gold. Smiles a lot. Finds pleasure in the simplest things.

Today this amazing boy graduates from 5th grade & moves on to bigger and brighter things; or so he thinks.

Congrat's "banana's"!

I love you & am so proud of you.

Music Monday

2009-06-08T20:55:00.003-04:00

A new adventure for this music lover's heart!

MUSIC MONDAY!

*Random song selection. I always have this tune stuck in my head. Something about this song just sticks with me.*

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. One simple rule, leave ONLY the actual post link here. You can grab this code at LJL Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.

It's Finally Friday!!!

2009-06-05T21:39:00.005-04:00

It's finally Friday!!!

Turn off the alarm clock.

Put the cell phones away.

Ignore the clock & just stay up until my eyes are too heavy to keep open.

Then sleep in until my body is ready to get movin'.

Hug my husband every time I feel like it ~ just 'cause he is here.

Enjoy dinner with my husband... & even splurge a little this weekend & eat out

Lay by the pool and enjoy the sunshine *if it appears*

And to take on a little tradition* here that I found among some Google results:

Random Photo Friday

My humorous husband on our honeymoon in Aug. '08

* I take no claim in starting this tradition, nor do I know where it began.

Another Thankful Thursday (& a very heartfelt one)

2009-02-19T10:01:00.002-05:00

This Thursday I am thankful for:

1) Our amazing God who loves and protects the innocent children.

2) An ever growing faith and trust in the Lord, as I crawl my way through a very difficult time. The Lord is always faithful and I am seeing this so clearly this week!

3) A life that surrounded me by God fearing people; just knowing these kinds of people changes my life reguarly.

4) A strong loving, sweet, compassionate husband. My rock! Always beside me and holding me up, always supporting and never lets me down.

5) Friends that have become family. (And family that are friends as well.)

6) For God allowing me to be a part of so many little lives and most importantly this week, two specific ones. Children are a gift from above. And it is a privelege to have children in your life (your own or someone elses).

7. Last but not least, I am thankful for the life of Linn, Emma, Graham, Liberty, Isaiah, Elizabeth & Elijah Saunders. For their lives are truly a testament of God's protection!

Thankful Thursday, a day early

2009-01-28T09:49:00.002-05:00

I wanna share the happenings of our lives over the last couple of weeks. When some things occur in your life, you learn very quickly to be thankful for a lot.

Last week started with me at the doctor on Monday convinced I had my THIRD sinus infection since Thanksgiving. And I also had a cough that was so bad that the spells ended with me throwing up. The doctor said I had bronchitis! That was a new one for me. Never ever ever have I had anything along those lines. Meanwhile, feeling a little sick and wanting just to stay in bed I begin wishing desperatly for the weather man to be wrong, and for us to get MORE snow than predicted. Guess what... I woke up Tuesday and saw a world covered in snow! So beautiful! But my dear husband, determined to get to work and not disappoint the boss man ventures out just after 6am in that beautiful but not so friendly snow. Ten minutes later my phone rang and it was him. My heart stopped! He had wrecked. He was reasonably ok (no ambulance or hospital needed). His truck... well the estimate was $7800 worth of damage. So much for loving snow! I love my husband a whole lot more and decided wishing for snow is a no-no. So within two days I was VERY grateful for health insurance and car insurance. Also very thankful for the kind man in the tow truck who pulled my husband out of the ditch for free. Whoever he is, I pray he gets blessed for his kindness. My husband was in a lot of pain (back) for the first couple days. It did ease some. But still as of Monday this week he was in pain. Sunday I was on a liquid only diet in preperation for an upper endoscopy and colonoscopy. So Sunday was not a fun day. Monday morning off to the hospital for the procedures. Within 60 seconds of them giving me my anethesia I was out cold. So thankful for whatever is in that stuff to knock me out so cold cause the thought of what those doctors were about to do were very disturbing to me! I woke later to my husband who had been trying for a bit to wake me. Apparently the doctors tried for a while to wake me (as they do not like to leave a patient who is still under) but seeing as I was not waking up they had to move on to other patients waiting. Colonoscopy was fine. Thank you Lord! (My father had colon cancer.) Endoscopy revealed a hiatal (spelling?) hernia. It's pushing into my esophogaus. This is what is causing the horrible acid reflux and slight bleeding. While being very thankful for them not finding anything worse, I am wondering how a 25 yr old female can have THREE hernias (I have others elsewhere)!?! Also pondering if they are going to tell me at my consultation (keep in mind I never saw my doctor) if this is something they need to do surgery for to fix. I know the rule. If the hernia is not causing pain or problems then let it be. But this hernia is causing problems. So we shall see. Monday evening once I was feeling a bit more like myself I finally talked my husband into going to the doctor for his back because only a doctor and xray could say for sure if he was going to get better and not worse. And the medicines for him to sleep without pain sure were needed. And everytime I drive by where he wrecked and see the steep ditch he ended up in, and the sign and HUGE rocks he hit... I can't express how thankful I am that he came out of there with only back pain. And despite the pricey estimate, his truck did come out and was able to be driven to the body shop. I look at that ditch and know without doubt how easily he could have flipped sideways into there. And how just the slightest bit more speed could have made it all so much worse. Thank you Lord for putting your hands around that truck! Meanwhile my husband and I had started the journey to becoming first time home owners. When a wrecked truck and a pricey visit to the hospital hit, it makes us question this whole house thing. But I am putting my faith and trust in the good Lord. He has ALWAYS provided for us. And I trust he will always do so.

So today, I sit and think of all the things that I have to be thankful for. Our health. My husbands life. Insurance that allows us to recover from all of this without ending up thousands of dollars in debt. I am just thankful for life in itself! Thankful for such a strong and loving husband. He was such an awesome care giver during the day before and day of my procedures! He is such an amazing man! And knowing a sweet sweet family I know is living in a hotel right now after a fire took their house, I am thankful for this cozy apartment I call home. And thankful for each of their lives, as they were sparred their lives by only minutes!

The Lord is good! He is there in everything!

A Soldier's Silent Night

2008-12-09T14:03:00.001-05:00

http://www.tankmastergunner.com/silent%20night.htm

Self explanatory.

2nd Thankful Thursday

2008-11-20T20:05:00.003-05:00

On my second thankful Thursday I am thankful for:

~ My husbands hand to hold, on good days and bad

~ My warm comfy bed at the end of a long day

~ The beautiful fall colors as winter takes over

~ My soft snuggly blanket as I adjust to this bitter cold weather

~ My cousins who are also my dearest friends

Thankful Thursday

2008-11-13T19:50:00.000-05:00

Well, a dear woman from my past has started a trend of Blogs called Thankful Thursday. So for my first shot at a blog, I figured what would be easier than telling the things I am thankful for? And through this one, I can also introduce all to the things that mean most to my heart.

So on this first Thankful Thursday from "Cece" [more on that below]...

1) I am thankful for the wonderful world wide internet that connects me to so many prescious people from my past, and allows me to keep in touch with everyone near or far.

2) I am thankful for a God-sent Husband, who is everything I ever dreamed of and more. For his support, his patience, his humor and all the love he never fails to give.

3) I am thankful for the nickname "Cece" which comes from the little kiddies in my life who are nearest and dearest to my heart. My now 13 yr old (WOW! How the heck did that happen so fast!!!) nephew could not say Marcie when he first started talking, and so "Cece" is what came out and Cece I now am to all the most prescious jewels in my life!

4) I am thankful for coming home from work to dinner on the table, and a wonderful companion to eat with every single night.

5) I am thankful for my car which allows me to go back and forth between my home of 25 years, and my new home since this May.

6) I am thankful for a few given people who lead me along my journey to getting closer to God: my Aunt and Uncle Teresa & Knotty, my oldest-truest-never-give-up-on-me-kind-of friend, Abby & her amazing parents (Linn & Dwight), and my second parents, Bonnie and Al. The ways the have carved this life and heart of mine, they will never truly know. It was through them that I was able to build my relationship with God.

7) I am thankful for a mother who is now also a friend.

8) Oh yeah, I am thankful for the many years I have been able to make a living just by "playing" with kids.