Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Privileges not rights!
(Excuse me while I get on my soapbox. But this one I can't resist or hold in.)
Some people will never know what it is to truly fight to get something in life. Some people get many "things" handed to them easily, and take those things for granted, not even giving them the appreciation they deserve. This goes for jobs, spouses, parents, siblings, cars, homes, financial handouts, and nearest and dearest to my heart, children.
These things are not rights people!
They are privileges!
You are not guaranteed to get them nor to keep them. Appreciate what you have.
Stop taking them for granted, for tomorrow may not come and if it does for you, it may not for others around you. And I am no saint... far from it. I complain far too often and I am first to admit that. But the things we complain about... someone somewhere would give anything to have. And that someone is probably far closer than you realize.
Infertility has taught me a LOT of hard lessons. This is, without a doubt, in the top 3 lessons learned so far in this journey. Going through this, learning these hard lessons... it has really helped my consideration for others and the (often silent) things they may be going through to grow and be strengthened.
Some people will never know what it is to truly fight to get something in life. Some people get many "things" handed to them easily, and take those things for granted, not even giving them the appreciation they deserve. This goes for jobs, spouses, parents, siblings, cars, homes, financial handouts, and nearest and dearest to my heart, children.
These things are not rights people!
They are privileges!
You are not guaranteed to get them nor to keep them. Appreciate what you have.
Stop taking them for granted, for tomorrow may not come and if it does for you, it may not for others around you. And I am no saint... far from it. I complain far too often and I am first to admit that. But the things we complain about... someone somewhere would give anything to have. And that someone is probably far closer than you realize.
Infertility has taught me a LOT of hard lessons. This is, without a doubt, in the top 3 lessons learned so far in this journey. Going through this, learning these hard lessons... it has really helped my consideration for others and the (often silent) things they may be going through to grow and be strengthened.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
National Infertility Awareness Week
April 22-28 is the one week our nation recognizes Infertility. National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) is our chance to make this disease better recognized and understood.
This year's theme is Don't Ignore Infertility. And that theme really sums up the purpose for the Walk for Hope that Clint and I will be walking in come June.
Last year during NIAW, I took a big step and made my infertility public knowledge. Until then, only a handful of treasured and highly trusted friends knew the struggle we were experiencing. I was tired of the secrecy, the vagueness, and faking our happiness on really dark days. It's hard to understand why infertility is hard to share/talk about, until you are experiencing it. Even being on this walk of infertility, it's still difficult to explain the secrecy that feels necessary. So "coming out" and telling your world that you are fighting infertility takes a lot of bravery for most of us.
The first year I learned about NIAW, I honestly thought to myself that it would be the only year I would go through that week as someone struggling with the disease. When NIAW came again for me last year, it was a very difficult time of reflection and realizing that another year had passed without our desperately longed for baby. So I decided to toughen up and share our struggle with friends and family. And I am so glad that I did.
While it did not gain us as much support as we had hoped, it did gain a few really awesome supporters. I had hoped it would make others more aware of the things they say, to us and in general. I can't say that this happened though. The problem is how little the general population know about infertility, let alone how little they understand it. This is why NIAW is so very important to those of us who are battling infertility and those who did battle it but overcame it. If people would take the time to learn just a little about infertility and how it emotionally can affect people, they could avoid causing a great deal of unintended pain. I made a post about Infertility Etiquette a few weeks ago, of an article posted by RESOLVE that truly gets to the heart of how peoples careless statements and questions cut us so deeply. And I will say it again: I wish I could make all of our family and friends read it and really truly reflect on it. I actually wish everyone would read it, so the world might be just a bit more respectful of the sensitivity that infertility brings.
My goal during this years NIAW, is to post multiple blog posts on Infertility and the importance of not ignoring it. Please jump over to my other blog, From Newlyweds to Parents, for these posts. The more we share about this, the more people we will reach.
So here's to hoping that this week will make millions more aware of infertility.
This year's theme is Don't Ignore Infertility. And that theme really sums up the purpose for the Walk for Hope that Clint and I will be walking in come June.
Last year during NIAW, I took a big step and made my infertility public knowledge. Until then, only a handful of treasured and highly trusted friends knew the struggle we were experiencing. I was tired of the secrecy, the vagueness, and faking our happiness on really dark days. It's hard to understand why infertility is hard to share/talk about, until you are experiencing it. Even being on this walk of infertility, it's still difficult to explain the secrecy that feels necessary. So "coming out" and telling your world that you are fighting infertility takes a lot of bravery for most of us.
The first year I learned about NIAW, I honestly thought to myself that it would be the only year I would go through that week as someone struggling with the disease. When NIAW came again for me last year, it was a very difficult time of reflection and realizing that another year had passed without our desperately longed for baby. So I decided to toughen up and share our struggle with friends and family. And I am so glad that I did.
While it did not gain us as much support as we had hoped, it did gain a few really awesome supporters. I had hoped it would make others more aware of the things they say, to us and in general. I can't say that this happened though. The problem is how little the general population know about infertility, let alone how little they understand it. This is why NIAW is so very important to those of us who are battling infertility and those who did battle it but overcame it. If people would take the time to learn just a little about infertility and how it emotionally can affect people, they could avoid causing a great deal of unintended pain. I made a post about Infertility Etiquette a few weeks ago, of an article posted by RESOLVE that truly gets to the heart of how peoples careless statements and questions cut us so deeply. And I will say it again: I wish I could make all of our family and friends read it and really truly reflect on it. I actually wish everyone would read it, so the world might be just a bit more respectful of the sensitivity that infertility brings.
My goal during this years NIAW, is to post multiple blog posts on Infertility and the importance of not ignoring it. Please jump over to my other blog, From Newlyweds to Parents, for these posts. The more we share about this, the more people we will reach.
So here's to hoping that this week will make millions more aware of infertility.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Infertility Etiquette
Click over to Our Journey From Newlyweds to Parents to read my latest.
Have a happy and blessed week.
Monday, April 9, 2012
You are...
Feeling down? Depressed? Hopeless?
Having one of those days when you feel like you fail at everything you attempt?
This song is the great reminder we all need on our down days. It really makes me stop and think in a new perspective.
He made EVERYTHING glorious... and He made you... so, just what does that make you?
GLORIOUS!
(Because we are forgiven.)
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Breaking the Silence
Friday, March 16, 2012
New infertility blog
I've created a place to put all these infertility thoughts.
http://ourjouneyfromnewlywedstoparents.blogspot.com/
http://ourjouneyfromnewlywedstoparents.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Someone toss me a ladder down here.
How do you grieve for the loss of a lifelong dream of getting pregnant and giving birth?
Where do I begin?
How do I get from the bottom of this pit that's full of anger, bitterness, and envy?
I want to be back out in the sunshine of life. I want to be happy again. I want to be able to look at babies again... cause I really really love babies.
Above all, I want to be happy again for the sake of my husband. God Bless him. He doesn't deserve this mess of a wife.
But for right now, it hurts. And I have to feel this pain for a bit before I can figure out how to move on.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Pigs Can Fly
Pigs must now be able to fly... cause I just got crafty. And, seriously, crafty is not my thing.
But I got inspired over at Lisa Leonard's. We are throwing a Valentine's Dance for our clients which is even more inspiration. So I gave it whirl and here is what was accomplished.
This one says Be Mine (It seemed impossible to get a picture of the entire thing that also made it readable.)
Please ignore the shadow in this one.
But I got inspired over at Lisa Leonard's. We are throwing a Valentine's Dance for our clients which is even more inspiration. So I gave it whirl and here is what was accomplished.
This one says Be Mine (It seemed impossible to get a picture of the entire thing that also made it readable.)
Please ignore the shadow in this one.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Lessons Learned
Lessons learned from Infertility:
1) It does not get easier with time. ~ This goes for infertility as a whole, and for all the hormone medications/injections. It does not get easier to give myself daily injections. It does not get easier to see other people getting the one thing we so desperately want. Time doesn't heal all wounds.
2) You have to remind yourself of the things you do have... of the blessings you have received. ~ It's easy to get consumed by the negative emotions this brings. It's a constant battle to remind myself how much I do have and how much worse things could be.
3) My nieces and nephews can't fill this void. Sometimes spending time with them helps. Sometimes it makes it a lot worse. The ugly reality is that no matter how great the time spent with them is, they will never be my own... they will never fill the void in our hearts. I have been thankful beyond words for being a young Aunt. I absolutely love that I had over a decade to truly just be the best Aunt I can, without my own children as more important. Once you have your own, being an Aunt takes a backseat. Sometimes it seems it actually gets totally booted from the ride altogether. I have loved every moment as an Aunt to my small boatload of nieces and nephews and I will never stop being grateful I had these years to do it.
4) I want to type very personal things about the actual appointments, but that would be very inappropriate. Can I just tell you my favorite line so far? My doctor actually used the words "manipulate your uterus" in a conversation we had. It is kinda funny to hear.
5) Tears work wonders on the receptionist/check in people. Every other approach gets me nothing but nasty comments and/or looks. Tears however, got me called back instantly. I haven't tried crying for a speeding ticket yet... but if it worked this well at the doctors office I think I'll have to give it a try with the cops too.
1) It does not get easier with time. ~ This goes for infertility as a whole, and for all the hormone medications/injections. It does not get easier to give myself daily injections. It does not get easier to see other people getting the one thing we so desperately want. Time doesn't heal all wounds.
2) You have to remind yourself of the things you do have... of the blessings you have received. ~ It's easy to get consumed by the negative emotions this brings. It's a constant battle to remind myself how much I do have and how much worse things could be.
3) My nieces and nephews can't fill this void. Sometimes spending time with them helps. Sometimes it makes it a lot worse. The ugly reality is that no matter how great the time spent with them is, they will never be my own... they will never fill the void in our hearts. I have been thankful beyond words for being a young Aunt. I absolutely love that I had over a decade to truly just be the best Aunt I can, without my own children as more important. Once you have your own, being an Aunt takes a backseat. Sometimes it seems it actually gets totally booted from the ride altogether. I have loved every moment as an Aunt to my small boatload of nieces and nephews and I will never stop being grateful I had these years to do it.
4) I want to type very personal things about the actual appointments, but that would be very inappropriate. Can I just tell you my favorite line so far? My doctor actually used the words "manipulate your uterus" in a conversation we had. It is kinda funny to hear.
5) Tears work wonders on the receptionist/check in people. Every other approach gets me nothing but nasty comments and/or looks. Tears however, got me called back instantly. I haven't tried crying for a speeding ticket yet... but if it worked this well at the doctors office I think I'll have to give it a try with the cops too.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Faith
I didn't cry when our last medicated/artificial cycle failed. It was the first time in well over a year that I didn't have a complete breakdown right then and there. A few days later it did hit me, when another trigger hit me and I just caved. But I am still proud of the better attitude I kept. There's that part of me that was so hidden that is finally peeking back through. Thanks to a dear friend and the words Our Father spoke to her for me... I have been reminded that God did NOT give me this desire for nothing. I WILL be a mother someday, somehow. I will. I believe in this. I just have to remind myself of it, often. I need to eat, sleep, and breath this statement.
Faith doesn't always come easy. We have to work at it. But like many things in life, the best things don't come easy.
Faith doesn't always come easy. We have to work at it. But like many things in life, the best things don't come easy.
Friday, December 30, 2011
A New Year
We end this year the same way it began, with hopes of starting a family but no guarantee that it will happen anytime soon. My heart is heavy. Its safe to say I see the glass as half empty right now. I continue to try to cling to the part of me that knows I WILL become a mother, someday, somehow. It isn't always enough though, on the hard days. I haven't cried yet, since the news of entering the new year without a bun already in the oven. But I think I need to let it out before Sunday... so I can attempt to enter the New Year with a bit of new hope.
We came a long ways in 2011.
My husband got a job he isn't miserable at.
I got a job I am unbelievably happy at.
We traded in one vehicle for another, saving a good amount of money monthly.
We paid off my car, saving a lot more money each month!
We moved out of my Mom's and into our first "home"; though a rental, it's still our space and we are very thankful for this sweet little home right next to the farm.
We got a cat... who brings a LOT of entertainment. Along with other emotions! Little devil that he is!
I'd say that's a pretty good year and a lot to be thankful for!
Here's to hoping 2012 brings even more blessings!
We came a long ways in 2011.
My husband got a job he isn't miserable at.
I got a job I am unbelievably happy at.
We traded in one vehicle for another, saving a good amount of money monthly.
We paid off my car, saving a lot more money each month!
We moved out of my Mom's and into our first "home"; though a rental, it's still our space and we are very thankful for this sweet little home right next to the farm.
We got a cat... who brings a LOT of entertainment. Along with other emotions! Little devil that he is!
I'd say that's a pretty good year and a lot to be thankful for!
Here's to hoping 2012 brings even more blessings!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Let me remember
When I hear people complain about being annoyed with and tired of their children, it truly breaks my heart. What I wouldn't give to have an 8 yr old with an attitude the size of Texas. Or a toddler who won't stop getting into everything. Or to hear little people call my name all day long.
I pray that God gives me the chance to have a child so I can be tested in remembering these little lessons. I truly long to not complain when I am pregnant and uncomfortable, or to fuss all the time about my child driving me insane. I hope I remember then, the pain those complaints bring to people longing to have a child.
And if I don't... will you please give me a little slap across the face to remind me?
Every good and perfect gift comes from above... James 1:17
(A passage that has been etched into my heart and soul for a long long time. He etched this into me all those years ago for a reason.)
I pray that God gives me the chance to have a child so I can be tested in remembering these little lessons. I truly long to not complain when I am pregnant and uncomfortable, or to fuss all the time about my child driving me insane. I hope I remember then, the pain those complaints bring to people longing to have a child.
And if I don't... will you please give me a little slap across the face to remind me?
Every good and perfect gift comes from above... James 1:17
(A passage that has been etched into my heart and soul for a long long time. He etched this into me all those years ago for a reason.)
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Dear God
Dear God,
Why?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
If I were to write a letter to God at this point in my life, that's where it would start and stop. It's been 2 1/2 years since we decided to try to start a family. I held fast to my faith for the first year. I believed it would happen. I thanked him for the miracle we would have. I lived in the "ask and you shall receive" motto. In the 2nd year it all started slipping further and further away. The one disagreement my husband and I have regarding infertility, is always over what this battle has done to my relationship with God. It's ugly. But it's honest. And it scares my better half quite a bit.
While I am well aware of the fact that I have let infertility basically destroy my faith, I also stick to this one reasoning when we have that argument: God knows my heart. He knows the pain and anger that is in there right now. So rather I say it out loud or not, he still knows. It's me saying it out loud that worries my husband.
Another pregnancy announcement today, just after another birth announcement last night. To say my heart is fragile tonight would be a huge understatement. The pain I feel is like nothing I ever imagined possible. I just wanna scream "Why me? Why my husband? Why us? Why this trial? Why the one dream I have had since I was a small child? What did we do to deserve this?"
I can't even go to church anymore. It's too painful in a thousand different ways. So now infertility has taken my faith, my relationship with my Father, my church family, my friends, my happiness, my hope.
So many women have gone through this for YEARS. As I near the 3 year mark, I don't know how they find the strength to keep fighting for so long. I am almost done. I can't take the hormones and the pain of this roller coaster ride much longer. I just don't have the fight left in me. If God won't give us a baby, then I really need to live on an island with all married but no children couples. One more pregnancy announcement just might truly send me over the edge... the edge I have right on the verge of falling over for months.
Please God, hear the cries of our hearts.
Why?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
If I were to write a letter to God at this point in my life, that's where it would start and stop. It's been 2 1/2 years since we decided to try to start a family. I held fast to my faith for the first year. I believed it would happen. I thanked him for the miracle we would have. I lived in the "ask and you shall receive" motto. In the 2nd year it all started slipping further and further away. The one disagreement my husband and I have regarding infertility, is always over what this battle has done to my relationship with God. It's ugly. But it's honest. And it scares my better half quite a bit.
While I am well aware of the fact that I have let infertility basically destroy my faith, I also stick to this one reasoning when we have that argument: God knows my heart. He knows the pain and anger that is in there right now. So rather I say it out loud or not, he still knows. It's me saying it out loud that worries my husband.
Another pregnancy announcement today, just after another birth announcement last night. To say my heart is fragile tonight would be a huge understatement. The pain I feel is like nothing I ever imagined possible. I just wanna scream "Why me? Why my husband? Why us? Why this trial? Why the one dream I have had since I was a small child? What did we do to deserve this?"
I can't even go to church anymore. It's too painful in a thousand different ways. So now infertility has taken my faith, my relationship with my Father, my church family, my friends, my happiness, my hope.
So many women have gone through this for YEARS. As I near the 3 year mark, I don't know how they find the strength to keep fighting for so long. I am almost done. I can't take the hormones and the pain of this roller coaster ride much longer. I just don't have the fight left in me. If God won't give us a baby, then I really need to live on an island with all married but no children couples. One more pregnancy announcement just might truly send me over the edge... the edge I have right on the verge of falling over for months.
Please God, hear the cries of our hearts.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Bitter without the sweet
I have a bitter heart. Envy, it thrives inside of me now. It hasn't always been this way. I am actually pretty sure I didn't start feeling true envy until this battle against infertility began.
Example A: Michelle Duggar. Do I need to say more? I mean come on. Here we infertile's are pleading with God just for one shot at being a mother. And yet that woman just doesn't stop. It's not for me to judge. I know. But it doesn't make sense to those of us going through this.
I keep typing sentences of deep dark confessions. Then I quickly delete and try again. I can't say these thoughts aloud. I could probably be committed if I did. :) In all seriousness though, some of these thoughts I've confessed to my husband have truly scared/worried/concerned him. The few I have confessed to women who have been down this road though, they get it. They were there too. Those women are vital to me in this stage of life.
It's a very cold place inside this heart and soul now. And I want to go back to the other me. The me that was before this lifelong dream came crashing down. I want to be on the other side of this mountain. I want to climb out of this valley.
I jut can't see the way from where I stand today.
But I will one day! I will be a mother someday! I will not quit this fight! Infertility may define me for this moment in time, but it will not defeat me!
Example A: Michelle Duggar. Do I need to say more? I mean come on. Here we infertile's are pleading with God just for one shot at being a mother. And yet that woman just doesn't stop. It's not for me to judge. I know. But it doesn't make sense to those of us going through this.
I keep typing sentences of deep dark confessions. Then I quickly delete and try again. I can't say these thoughts aloud. I could probably be committed if I did. :) In all seriousness though, some of these thoughts I've confessed to my husband have truly scared/worried/concerned him. The few I have confessed to women who have been down this road though, they get it. They were there too. Those women are vital to me in this stage of life.
It's a very cold place inside this heart and soul now. And I want to go back to the other me. The me that was before this lifelong dream came crashing down. I want to be on the other side of this mountain. I want to climb out of this valley.
I jut can't see the way from where I stand today.
But I will one day! I will be a mother someday! I will not quit this fight! Infertility may define me for this moment in time, but it will not defeat me!
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Thankful Thursday
Thankful Thursday
2 for 1: My families farm & my view of this farm from our rental house.
Country girl inside and out. Wouldn't want it any other way personally.
2 for 1: My families farm & my view of this farm from our rental house.
Country girl inside and out. Wouldn't want it any other way personally.
Monday, October 31, 2011
An Update
Here is an update to yesterday's post.
We have now switched doctor's. Done a total of 3 IUI's. I have been on varying doses of Clomid and done the Ovidrel shot. (Hello hot flashes!!! Goodbye memory!) My new doctor and new doses made improvements. Those facts along with some more personal facts, made us very hopeful on our last IUI cycle. However, it too ended in tears. We will continue on, for maybe a few more cycles, toying with hormone medications (Hello even worse hot flashes!!! Goodbye sanity! Goodbye reasoning! Memory... what memory?! Forget about it!)
All my life I dreamed of two things: marrying my prince charming & having little tots of my own. Thankfully I found Prince Charming and I wouldn't trade him for the world! His humor and his patience and his love are crucial to me these days. He is above and beyond what I ever dreamed. Sadly, giving him a child has become our battle. It's the worst pain I have ever experienced. It's truly turned my life into a roller coaster... an old wooden one that bangs and clangs and throws your neck out and makes you get off wondering why in the world you ever got on!
It's changed me and my life significantly. It's truly stolen a lot from me. The truths inside my head and heart are dark and scary and ugly. Truths I can't bear to tell most people. It has brought about changes that make things ten times harder. I'd give anything for this fight to be over... for my prince and I to stand on the other side of this battlefield and wave our victory flag. There are days when it hurts so bad that I truly do think I want to surrender. Saturday was one of them. Then I spent some time with my nephew and got a little more fight back in me. Cause I want my own toddler to spoil so badly!
It's cold and dark and very lonely. He and I are walking through this storm alone. We have clung tighter to each other, and for this I am thankful. We have lost more and more people around us though. Pray for us if you will. We need it more than people realize.
We have now switched doctor's. Done a total of 3 IUI's. I have been on varying doses of Clomid and done the Ovidrel shot. (Hello hot flashes!!! Goodbye memory!) My new doctor and new doses made improvements. Those facts along with some more personal facts, made us very hopeful on our last IUI cycle. However, it too ended in tears. We will continue on, for maybe a few more cycles, toying with hormone medications (Hello even worse hot flashes!!! Goodbye sanity! Goodbye reasoning! Memory... what memory?! Forget about it!)
All my life I dreamed of two things: marrying my prince charming & having little tots of my own. Thankfully I found Prince Charming and I wouldn't trade him for the world! His humor and his patience and his love are crucial to me these days. He is above and beyond what I ever dreamed. Sadly, giving him a child has become our battle. It's the worst pain I have ever experienced. It's truly turned my life into a roller coaster... an old wooden one that bangs and clangs and throws your neck out and makes you get off wondering why in the world you ever got on!
It's changed me and my life significantly. It's truly stolen a lot from me. The truths inside my head and heart are dark and scary and ugly. Truths I can't bear to tell most people. It has brought about changes that make things ten times harder. I'd give anything for this fight to be over... for my prince and I to stand on the other side of this battlefield and wave our victory flag. There are days when it hurts so bad that I truly do think I want to surrender. Saturday was one of them. Then I spent some time with my nephew and got a little more fight back in me. Cause I want my own toddler to spoil so badly!
It's cold and dark and very lonely. He and I are walking through this storm alone. We have clung tighter to each other, and for this I am thankful. We have lost more and more people around us though. Pray for us if you will. We need it more than people realize.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Breaking the silence
*On April 25th, I took a huge step for myself and posted the following on Facebook. Five months later, I am still glad I did, but haven't gotten from it what I had hoped. But here is the post from that day, and I will soon follow up with an update of the 5 months since.*
My broken heart can’t keep this inside any longer. Please, I beg of you to read this all the way through before you give any comment. We are fragile right now, and we don’t want to be broken more by people’s careless words.
We have been trying to start a family for a couple of years now. With each month that has passed, our hearts have hurt more and more and the secrets have become harder and harder. Infertility isn’t something you expect, especially as a woman. We grow up dreaming of being a mommy. We just assume it is a natural way of life and therefore will just come easy. Wrong!
For the first year to year and a half, we just kept thinking any time it would happen. But as we passed through that first year, each month started to feel like a year, yet it all was going by way too fast at the same time. Nephews turned one. Friends had babies. Nephews turned two. People who had no kids when we married, now have two kids while we still have none. It’s extremely hard to watch.
And oh, by the way, there were reasons we haven’t told but a handful of people.
1)We were still longing for the complete excitement and surprise in announcing a pregnancy. That simple blessing of surprise that has been taken from us.
2)We don’t want the unwanted advice. It doesn’t matter if you think its good advice. It probably will suck to us. It will probably make us mad or feel more hurt or broken. There really isn’t good advice to give people dealing with infertility unless you have TRULY experienced it yourself. Only then do you learn things to say and things to definitely not say.
3)We don’t want your judgments. This decision is ours, and God’s, and not a single other person’s. It’s not for you to say if we should or shouldn’t want or have kids right now. It’s not for you to say if we can afford to. It’s just none of your business. We didn’t or won’t tell you when you should start a family, so don’t do it to us.
4)It makes me feel broken/ashamed/unworthy. Talking about it is hard. Thinking about it is hard enough.
Now, where was I? I sought help for this about a year and half into it. Since my first doctor’s appointment about it, we have both had every test and all have come back fine. So our label is unexplained infertility. We put off medicated cycles and assisted cycles for quite a while. We were still convinced it would happen anytime on our own. And, on our own sounded so much better than the other choices. Then my faith started running lower and lower.
In March we took the leap. We had the money put aside and the courage to step forward into medicated cycle with IUI (intrauterine insemination). On March 24th, we went in thinking that day would be THE day. On April 7th, we knew that even this medicated IUI cycle had failed also. Now, my faith is next to nonexistent. My optimism… it’s long gone. We have not given up complete hope yet. But each day is a tremendous battle for me right now. And hiding the pain, plastering on a fake smile, and going along as though everything is fine just isn’t working for me anymore. I don’t want to lie about where we are anymore, when we have appointments with the specialists. I don’t want to pretend my stress/pain is because of something it’s not any longer.
I want to be out of the infertility closet.
I remember last year’s National Infertility Awareness Week. I remember not having the courage then. I remember still having hope that I would be pregnant or have a child at this time a year later. But here we are. Still childless. Sharing this is more for us than anything. It’s to lift the burden of secrecy, because the burden of infertility itself is heavy enough. Less is more, when in regards to burden. I am not sharing this for sympathy or advice. The only thing we ask of anyone, is to pray for us. And if you have questions, you can ask. But please be mindful of how fragile I am right now. Be careful of the words you chose to say. Remember what your mother always said: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
And to those precious few who have been cheering us on from the sidelines while we gained the courage to share with all: thank you! Thank you for respecting our wish for privacy about it. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being our cheering section. And above all, thank you for the love and prayers. You have been the rainbow through this storm.
My broken heart can’t keep this inside any longer. Please, I beg of you to read this all the way through before you give any comment. We are fragile right now, and we don’t want to be broken more by people’s careless words.
We have been trying to start a family for a couple of years now. With each month that has passed, our hearts have hurt more and more and the secrets have become harder and harder. Infertility isn’t something you expect, especially as a woman. We grow up dreaming of being a mommy. We just assume it is a natural way of life and therefore will just come easy. Wrong!
For the first year to year and a half, we just kept thinking any time it would happen. But as we passed through that first year, each month started to feel like a year, yet it all was going by way too fast at the same time. Nephews turned one. Friends had babies. Nephews turned two. People who had no kids when we married, now have two kids while we still have none. It’s extremely hard to watch.
And oh, by the way, there were reasons we haven’t told but a handful of people.
1)We were still longing for the complete excitement and surprise in announcing a pregnancy. That simple blessing of surprise that has been taken from us.
2)We don’t want the unwanted advice. It doesn’t matter if you think its good advice. It probably will suck to us. It will probably make us mad or feel more hurt or broken. There really isn’t good advice to give people dealing with infertility unless you have TRULY experienced it yourself. Only then do you learn things to say and things to definitely not say.
3)We don’t want your judgments. This decision is ours, and God’s, and not a single other person’s. It’s not for you to say if we should or shouldn’t want or have kids right now. It’s not for you to say if we can afford to. It’s just none of your business. We didn’t or won’t tell you when you should start a family, so don’t do it to us.
4)It makes me feel broken/ashamed/unworthy. Talking about it is hard. Thinking about it is hard enough.
Now, where was I? I sought help for this about a year and half into it. Since my first doctor’s appointment about it, we have both had every test and all have come back fine. So our label is unexplained infertility. We put off medicated cycles and assisted cycles for quite a while. We were still convinced it would happen anytime on our own. And, on our own sounded so much better than the other choices. Then my faith started running lower and lower.
In March we took the leap. We had the money put aside and the courage to step forward into medicated cycle with IUI (intrauterine insemination). On March 24th, we went in thinking that day would be THE day. On April 7th, we knew that even this medicated IUI cycle had failed also. Now, my faith is next to nonexistent. My optimism… it’s long gone. We have not given up complete hope yet. But each day is a tremendous battle for me right now. And hiding the pain, plastering on a fake smile, and going along as though everything is fine just isn’t working for me anymore. I don’t want to lie about where we are anymore, when we have appointments with the specialists. I don’t want to pretend my stress/pain is because of something it’s not any longer.
I want to be out of the infertility closet.
I remember last year’s National Infertility Awareness Week. I remember not having the courage then. I remember still having hope that I would be pregnant or have a child at this time a year later. But here we are. Still childless. Sharing this is more for us than anything. It’s to lift the burden of secrecy, because the burden of infertility itself is heavy enough. Less is more, when in regards to burden. I am not sharing this for sympathy or advice. The only thing we ask of anyone, is to pray for us. And if you have questions, you can ask. But please be mindful of how fragile I am right now. Be careful of the words you chose to say. Remember what your mother always said: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
And to those precious few who have been cheering us on from the sidelines while we gained the courage to share with all: thank you! Thank you for respecting our wish for privacy about it. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being our cheering section. And above all, thank you for the love and prayers. You have been the rainbow through this storm.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Much to be thankful for
Thanksgiving 2010
Often, I get very tied up in my needs and wants and hurts. Each day I try to take time to thank God for the blessings. Often times, thanking Him for my blessings makes the pains and struggles seem easier.
Thanksgiving is a day to remind us what life is all about.
It's the little things that make the day special sometimes too.
Sleeping in. Not working. Watching the parade all snuggled up together. Browsing through Black Friday ad's. A nice Brunch always with the intention of holding us 'til dinner. A brunch that never does so though. Calling loved ones we can't be with. Wishing those dear friends and family that we can't hug, a very blessed day. Baking. Cooking. Time with loved ones that are near. Lots of laughter. Even more food. Dessert. Oh, be still my heart!
Today, I want to note the things that I am especially thankful for.
God: For life in and of itself.
No other blessings would be if not for He.
My husband: without whom I can't think of what life would be.
He is my heart & soul.
My family, especially my nieces & nephews (and cousins).
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!
Often, I get very tied up in my needs and wants and hurts. Each day I try to take time to thank God for the blessings. Often times, thanking Him for my blessings makes the pains and struggles seem easier.
Thanksgiving is a day to remind us what life is all about.
It's the little things that make the day special sometimes too.
Sleeping in. Not working. Watching the parade all snuggled up together. Browsing through Black Friday ad's. A nice Brunch always with the intention of holding us 'til dinner. A brunch that never does so though. Calling loved ones we can't be with. Wishing those dear friends and family that we can't hug, a very blessed day. Baking. Cooking. Time with loved ones that are near. Lots of laughter. Even more food. Dessert. Oh, be still my heart!
Today, I want to note the things that I am especially thankful for.
God: For life in and of itself.
No other blessings would be if not for He.
My husband: without whom I can't think of what life would be.
He is my heart & soul.
My family, especially my nieces & nephews (and cousins).
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
