Thursday, November 17, 2011

Dear God

Dear God,


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If I were to write a letter to God at this point in my life, that's where it would start and stop. It's been 2 1/2 years since we decided to try to start a family. I held fast to my faith for the first year. I believed it would happen. I thanked him for the miracle we would have. I lived in the "ask and you shall receive" motto. In the 2nd year it all started slipping further and further away. The one disagreement my husband and I have regarding infertility, is always over what this battle has done to my relationship with God. It's ugly. But it's honest. And it scares my better half quite a bit.

While I am well aware of the fact that I have let infertility basically destroy my faith, I also stick to this one reasoning when we have that argument: God knows my heart. He knows the pain and anger that is in there right now. So rather I say it out loud or not, he still knows. It's me saying it out loud that worries my husband.

Another pregnancy announcement today, just after another birth announcement last night. To say my heart is fragile tonight would be a huge understatement. The pain I feel is like nothing I ever imagined possible. I just wanna scream "Why me? Why my husband? Why us? Why this trial? Why the one dream I have had since I was a small child? What did we do to deserve this?"

I can't even go to church anymore. It's too painful in a thousand different ways. So now infertility has taken my faith, my relationship with my Father, my church family, my friends, my happiness, my hope.

So many women have gone through this for YEARS. As I near the 3 year mark, I don't know how they find the strength to keep fighting for so long. I am almost done. I can't take the hormones and the pain of this roller coaster ride much longer. I just don't have the fight left in me. If God won't give us a baby, then I really need to live on an island with all married but no children couples. One more pregnancy announcement just might truly send me over the edge... the edge I have right on the verge of falling over for months.

Please God, hear the cries of our hearts.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Bitter without the sweet

I have a bitter heart. Envy, it thrives inside of me now. It hasn't always been this way. I am actually pretty sure I didn't start feeling true envy until this battle against infertility began.

Example A: Michelle Duggar. Do I need to say more? I mean come on. Here we infertile's are pleading with God just for one shot at being a mother. And yet that woman just doesn't stop. It's not for me to judge. I know. But it doesn't make sense to those of us going through this.

I keep typing sentences of deep dark confessions. Then I quickly delete and try again. I can't say these thoughts aloud. I could probably be committed if I did. :) In all seriousness though, some of these thoughts I've confessed to my husband have truly scared/worried/concerned him. The few I have confessed to women who have been down this road though, they get it. They were there too. Those women are vital to me in this stage of life.

It's a very cold place inside this heart and soul now. And I want to go back to the other me. The me that was before this lifelong dream came crashing down. I want to be on the other side of this mountain. I want to climb out of this valley.

I jut can't see the way from where I stand today.

But I will one day! I will be a mother someday! I will not quit this fight! Infertility may define me for this moment in time, but it will not defeat me!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday

2 for 1: My families farm & my view of this farm from our rental house.

Country girl inside and out. Wouldn't want it any other way personally.