Thursday, November 17, 2011

Dear God

Dear God,


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If I were to write a letter to God at this point in my life, that's where it would start and stop. It's been 2 1/2 years since we decided to try to start a family. I held fast to my faith for the first year. I believed it would happen. I thanked him for the miracle we would have. I lived in the "ask and you shall receive" motto. In the 2nd year it all started slipping further and further away. The one disagreement my husband and I have regarding infertility, is always over what this battle has done to my relationship with God. It's ugly. But it's honest. And it scares my better half quite a bit.

While I am well aware of the fact that I have let infertility basically destroy my faith, I also stick to this one reasoning when we have that argument: God knows my heart. He knows the pain and anger that is in there right now. So rather I say it out loud or not, he still knows. It's me saying it out loud that worries my husband.

Another pregnancy announcement today, just after another birth announcement last night. To say my heart is fragile tonight would be a huge understatement. The pain I feel is like nothing I ever imagined possible. I just wanna scream "Why me? Why my husband? Why us? Why this trial? Why the one dream I have had since I was a small child? What did we do to deserve this?"

I can't even go to church anymore. It's too painful in a thousand different ways. So now infertility has taken my faith, my relationship with my Father, my church family, my friends, my happiness, my hope.

So many women have gone through this for YEARS. As I near the 3 year mark, I don't know how they find the strength to keep fighting for so long. I am almost done. I can't take the hormones and the pain of this roller coaster ride much longer. I just don't have the fight left in me. If God won't give us a baby, then I really need to live on an island with all married but no children couples. One more pregnancy announcement just might truly send me over the edge... the edge I have right on the verge of falling over for months.

Please God, hear the cries of our hearts.

1 comment:

Rachel said...

Oh gosh... my heart breaks with this.

I lived it. For seven years.

And I still believe that God has a plan... even when it's not what I would choose, and it's not what I understand.

It was so painful, I understand. And I'm standing on the other side of that ocean of pain and I know it even sucks for you to hear it from me now.

Don't stop believing that He loves you madly. Beyond compare. That YOU were His newborn.

Ugh. Heart just broken for you and hating that I can't hug you in person.

Excuse me while I do the ugly cry.

After thanking you for going and voting for those babies with sick hearts. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Wish I had your email - please do not hesitate to reply to my email - I will totally listen. I've been there.