Lessons Learned

Lessons learned from Infertility:

1) It does not get easier with time. ~ This goes for infertility as a whole, and for all the hormone medications/injections. It does not get easier to give myself daily injections. It does not get easier to see other people getting the one thing we so desperately want. Time doesn't heal all wounds.

2) You have to remind yourself of the things you do have... of the blessings you have received. ~ It's easy to get consumed by the negative emotions this brings. It's a constant battle to remind myself how much I do have and how much worse things could be.

3) My nieces and nephews can't fill this void. Sometimes spending time with them helps. Sometimes it makes it a lot worse. The ugly reality is that no matter how great the time spent with them is, they will never be my own... they will never fill the void in our hearts. I have been thankful beyond words for being a young Aunt. I absolutely love that I had over a decade to truly just be the best Aunt I can, without my own children as more important. Once you have your own, being an Aunt takes a backseat. Sometimes it seems it actually gets totally booted from the ride altogether. I have loved every moment as an Aunt to my small boatload of nieces and nephews and I will never stop being grateful I had these years to do it.

4) I want to type very personal things about the actual appointments, but that would be very inappropriate. Can I just tell you my favorite line so far? My doctor actually used the words "manipulate your uterus" in a conversation we had. It is kinda funny to hear.

5) Tears work wonders on the receptionist/check in people. Every other approach gets me nothing but nasty comments and/or looks. Tears however, got me called back instantly. I haven't tried crying for a speeding ticket yet... but if it worked this well at the doctors office I think I'll have to give it a try with the cops too.

Faith

I didn't cry when our last medicated/artificial cycle failed. It was the first time in well over a year that I didn't have a complete breakdown right then and there. A few days later it did hit me, when another trigger hit me and I just caved. But I am still proud of the better attitude I kept. There's that part of me that was so hidden that is finally peeking back through. Thanks to a dear friend and the words Our Father spoke to her for me... I have been reminded that God did NOT give me this desire for nothing. I WILL be a mother someday, somehow. I will. I believe in this. I just have to remind myself of it, often. I need to eat, sleep, and breath this statement.

Faith doesn't always come easy. We have to work at it. But like many things in life, the best things don't come easy.

A New Year

We end this year the same way it began, with hopes of starting a family but no guarantee that it will happen anytime soon. My heart is heavy. Its safe to say I see the glass as half empty right now. I continue to try to cling to the part of me that knows I WILL become a mother, someday, somehow. It isn't always enough though, on the hard days. I haven't cried yet, since the news of entering the new year without a bun already in the oven. But I think I need to let it out before Sunday... so I can attempt to enter the New Year with a bit of new hope.

We came a long ways in 2011.
My husband got a job he isn't miserable at.
I got a job I am unbelievably happy at.
We traded in one vehicle for another, saving a good amount of money monthly.
We paid off my car, saving a lot more money each month!
We moved out of my Mom's and into our first "home"; though a rental, it's still our space and we are very thankful for this sweet little home right next to the farm.
We got a cat... who brings a LOT of entertainment. Along with other emotions! Little devil that he is!

I'd say that's a pretty good year and a lot to be thankful for!

Here's to hoping 2012 brings even more blessings!

Let me remember

When I hear people complain about being annoyed with and tired of their children, it truly breaks my heart. What I wouldn't give to have an 8 yr old with an attitude the size of Texas. Or a toddler who won't stop getting into everything. Or to hear little people call my name all day long.

I pray that God gives me the chance to have a child so I can be tested in remembering these little lessons. I truly long to not complain when I am pregnant and uncomfortable, or to fuss all the time about my child driving me insane. I hope I remember then, the pain those complaints bring to people longing to have a child.

And if I don't... will you please give me a little slap across the face to remind me?


Every good and perfect gift comes from above... James 1:17
(A passage that has been etched into my heart and soul for a long long time. He etched this into me all those years ago for a reason.)

Dear God

Dear God,

Why?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If I were to write a letter to God at this point in my life, that's where it would start and stop. It's been 2 1/2 years since we decided to try to start a family. I held fast to my faith for the first year. I believed it would happen. I thanked him for the miracle we would have. I lived in the "ask and you shall receive" motto. In the 2nd year it all started slipping further and further away. The one disagreement my husband and I have regarding infertility, is always over what this battle has done to my relationship with God. It's ugly. But it's honest. And it scares my better half quite a bit.

While I am well aware of the fact that I have let infertility basically destroy my faith, I also stick to this one reasoning when we have that argument: God knows my heart. He knows the pain and anger that is in there right now. So rather I say it out loud or not, he still knows. It's me saying it out loud that worries my husband.

Another pregnancy announcement today, just after another birth announcement last night. To say my heart is fragile tonight would be a huge understatement. The pain I feel is like nothing I ever imagined possible. I just wanna scream "Why me? Why my husband? Why us? Why this trial? Why the one dream I have had since I was a small child? What did we do to deserve this?"

I can't even go to church anymore. It's too painful in a thousand different ways. So now infertility has taken my faith, my relationship with my Father, my church family, my friends, my happiness, my hope.

So many women have gone through this for YEARS. As I near the 3 year mark, I don't know how they find the strength to keep fighting for so long. I am almost done. I can't take the hormones and the pain of this roller coaster ride much longer. I just don't have the fight left in me. If God won't give us a baby, then I really need to live on an island with all married but no children couples. One more pregnancy announcement just might truly send me over the edge... the edge I have right on the verge of falling over for months.


Please God, hear the cries of our hearts.

Bitter without the sweet

I have a bitter heart. Envy, it thrives inside of me now. It hasn't always been this way. I am actually pretty sure I didn't start feeling true envy until this battle against infertility began.

Example A: Michelle Duggar. Do I need to say more? I mean come on. Here we infertile's are pleading with God just for one shot at being a mother. And yet that woman just doesn't stop. It's not for me to judge. I know. But it doesn't make sense to those of us going through this.

I keep typing sentences of deep dark confessions. Then I quickly delete and try again. I can't say these thoughts aloud. I could probably be committed if I did. :) In all seriousness though, some of these thoughts I've confessed to my husband have truly scared/worried/concerned him. The few I have confessed to women who have been down this road though, they get it. They were there too. Those women are vital to me in this stage of life.

It's a very cold place inside this heart and soul now. And I want to go back to the other me. The me that was before this lifelong dream came crashing down. I want to be on the other side of this mountain. I want to climb out of this valley.

I jut can't see the way from where I stand today.

But I will one day! I will be a mother someday! I will not quit this fight! Infertility may define me for this moment in time, but it will not defeat me!

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday



2 for 1: My families farm & my view of this farm from our rental house.

Country girl inside and out. Wouldn't want it any other way personally.